| (no subject) |
[May. 14th, 2006|06:46 pm] |
|
Well my birthday was pretty cool i got really wasted, not something i wanted to do but hey had nothing else to do, it was nice jess came down and completely shocked me cuz i thought she had something to do but she lied to me, and by the time she got there i was already wasted yet i saw her and hung up on my brother, who of course i was drunk dialing and gave her a big hug, i cant wait till me her and goon move into our new place, its was nice to hang out with someone u havnt seen in 2 weeks lol...anyways it was a good time, but in the end i still feel alone when its all said and done cuz i dont wanna spend my birthdays that way, i wanna spend them with ppl i love and care bout and i did but i also drank and was with ppl who want to do that but i dont think thats really who i am...this summer im hoping for great things and i hope that they can happen but if they dont oh well, i need to figure out where im going im taking a cj 305 class on accident maybe ill end up liking that and maybe it will help me figure out what i want to do...anyways im up at school and nobody is around and its quite boring and quite depressing, not what i need, maybe i shoulda stayed home this summer...oh well hope everyone is having a great summer |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 1st, 2006|01:33 am] |
All can i say to myself at this point is everything is going to be ok. The school year its over and now its summer and im at home, and its never been so nice to be at home. I never realized how much i love my family, how much i miss them. Sure my mom is crazy and very annoying and sure my dad is the quite doesnt say all that much but i love em.
This whole year i struggled, i struggled so much to be happy. I didnt know where or how i would find it and i could never get a grasp on how other people had it. Buts its not something you find, its not something that just shows up one day, its something that takes time, it takes thinking a certain way, it takes letting go of the past, it takes holding on to the things you love most, it takes work, happines is work, and ive learned one thing about myself ive never applied myself to anything that ive ever done. Ive never worked hard, because i want to belive that the things i want out of life can be achieved by just holding just waiting, and sure thats what it take but it takes so much more then that. It takes work, and work means applying force, using the energy that you have, work means not giving up. I always take the easy way out. All along ive been telling myself ill find what im looking for, but how can i find it if all i ever do is think down, all i ever do is put myself down.
I can never love someone, and thats the one thing i want most out of life, and ive written bout so many times in here but i think that may just be beacuse i always believe people percieve me a certain way, and i cant do that anymore, i cant blame it on the fact that i think other people see me that way, the simple fact is i see myself that way, im the one that believes the negative, im the one that cant be happy, i dont love me, and maybe that cuz people have made fun or me or hurt or hated me i dunno know but i know that isnt even close to the main reason. I need to believe in myself, or else ill continue down this road that im tired of being on, thats probably why i so long to fall in love or why i get attached so very easily beacuse i dont have any faith in myself, and i look for someone to find the positive side of me because i dont believe there truly is any. If someone can show me that they are able to love me then maybe i can love myself but that wont work, it will end exactly how all bad relationships do, in failure. This is the one thing i do not need to fail at.
The biggest thing that i plan on changing this summer is my attitude. I cant continue to see the negative side of things, its funny i always see the positive for other people but never myself. I have to stop expecting myself to fail. I have to forget everything ive ever had in my life, i have to forget all the past and just start a clean slate. Im not saying im going to forget it all but i need to leave it behind. Ive been searching for who i am on a daily basis and it caused me to cry and im tired of crying, im tired of pain, im tired all of this. My faith is weak and it needs to be strong, im gonna take it day by day and wake up in the morning as positive as I can be. I dont have to always make a negative comment, the problem is that i do, its become my nature to make a joke or put myself down, and im not sure how i can change it, it needs to happen and im taking this summer to sit back and figure it all out, to take in Gods plan to listen, to pray, to believe beacuse ive noticed one thing ever since ive questioned everything i believed in my life has only gotten worse. I want to take authority over my life and begin to do and think good things, and hold onto the faith that never left but was probably misused.
Oh and by the way if anyone actually takes the time to read this long entry. Im home for the week if you want to hang out call the cell 586-945-9275. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 24th, 2006|04:39 am] |
|
Well its 4:30am and im at the library typing a paper...i cant wait for this week to be done, why is it that during exam week i always get the least sleep, last year 1st semester i stayed up and almost got stabbed second semester i had a hard time sleeping cuz i knew i was gonna be leaving the ex, then last semester i just, well i dunno didnt go to bed and now im up once again and i have an exam at noon and i think i have to work at 8am it should be an interesting day i dont have anything to look forward to but im just staying focused on the fact that once exams are done i can take a break...back to my paper now |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 18th, 2006|11:31 pm] |
|
Everyone has something or someone in their lives that keeps them going, that makes them happy...i sometimes wonder what mine is:-\ |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 16th, 2006|08:39 pm] |
|
Well i went to church for the first time in a long time and i wasnt forced i went on my own free will, and not with my parents, it wasnt bad some church in Jenison..im still not sure what i believe in but im gonna give it sometime and hope that the answers will be revealed. It was not a bad Easter my parents drove up with Kevins parents to visit and we went to Olive Garden, that was nice and my mom was able to get into Copper Beach and we saw the place im living in this summer and next year it was awesome im excited i feel like maybe this summer wont be so bad after all. I hope everyone had a great Easter. This is going to be one hell of a week for me. 2 papers 35 hours of work, 2 tests its gonna be rough but once its done i only have to worry bout exams, its crazy how fast time has flown. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 14th, 2006|08:59 am] |
|
I wake up every morning unhappy wishing i could find something to make me happy and today is not different, ive been up since 7 and for a friday thats early to me but i cant sleep, ive gotta go to work at least while im there i dont have the time to think, i wish i could go home for Easter and just forget about all thats here and everything i dont have and everything i hate and everything could be ok if only for a day i could wake up feeling happy....if only |
|
|
| Sometimes wonder by Gabe Atwood |
[Apr. 10th, 2006|03:14 pm] |
I sometimes wonder what life would be like
If I just decided to say goodbye and take a hike
I sometimes wonder what is to be
Or what will ever become of me
I sometimes wonder where is home
Because all I ever do is wander and roam
I sometimes wonder where I belong
Its not as though this place was ever my song
I sometimes wonder if im doomed to be alone
For I don’t have the answer cuz the futures unshown
I sometimes wonder if God exist
Or is he just a figment of peoples ignorance and bliss
I sometimes wonder if ill ever see answers to questions untold
But most likely not because I don’t fit the mold
I sometimes wonder where my life is going
When nothing good seems to be showing
I sometimes wonder if I am doomed to fail
For I feel as though Im caught in a storm with golf ball size hail
I sometimes wonder if the sometimes will ever go away
Or is this what I will feel every night and day
I do not know what the future brings
But im sick and tired of looking and not finding things
I give up my faith I give up my hope
So that one day I can be happy and will longer mope. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 10th, 2006|03:09 pm] |
|
So yea alot shit going on lately. I wish i could say all good things but it never is i got into this huge argument with my parents the other day and my dad ended up giving me this huge speal about how i need to have faith and i need to pray and God will guide me and all this crap but u know my parents are only trying to help but im not them. Its not like i dont know what to believe in but honestly if God is really listening why has he never answered my prayers, why is it that when i pray and i ask for happiness, not complete udder happines but just something worth wild, something that is better then the way ive felt over the last year or when im crying and i feel like giving up he doesnt come he doesnt answer, i mean what am i suppose to expect to hold onto this plan of his, if im suppose to question should he not be there to reveal that he is almigty and that he will bring what i need, and what i need is happiness, not money, not fame, not possesions just a real smile, real genuine happiness....im just so tired of not caring or caring to much or not caring enough its just to much and non of this is worth it to me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2006|11:45 pm] |
Well i really have no reason to write in here im just extremely bored right now, i think im finally back to my old self, i mean the guy that never gave a damn bout anything, the guy that does everything half asses, im lazy again, i dont do a whole lot and its not cuz im depressed i just dont care...kinda how i use to think before i came to college so thats a good i was happier then. I dont have alot of good things going on right now. I have no place to live for 6 weeks of summer as of right now so I might be spending my nights in Rudolph(my car), im not doing well is school this semester, actually failing 2 of my classes, my bank accouunt is overdrawn so i have no money, altho i just got 2 jobs,
and ive spent alot of time wondering this school year if i was ever meant to be happy and now its almost over so now its time to forget, i may not be perfectly happy but things come and go and things will work out the place to stay the money the classes they are not important the fact that i feel ok is so much more, still got many more roads to take but ill find what ive been looking for... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2006|02:35 pm] |
|
When is it my turn... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 16th, 2006|08:03 pm] |
|
Do ever feel like there is just no point, i feel like i dont belong here, i have friends here that i love, but if they only knew what i think i or how easy it is for me to cry, im sick of pretending im ok, how can i tell myself that the future holds better things to come, i need to leave here, i feel like i have to go find myself, im lost and i feel alone, and i know that doesnt mean i am but i dont know who i am so if i cant figure that out ill never be happy, im such a weak person i need to find gabe, hes out there somewhere but everynight i get the feeling is this where im suppose to be, whats the plan was i even meant for college, im $25,000 in debt and havnt declared a major, 2 years wasted and still dont know, I wish i could tell myself its gonna be ok, but im getting tired of saying that Maybe everything is meant to be this way... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 15th, 2006|01:47 pm] |
|
I had a great Valentines day, prolly the best ever you would think it would be terrible cuz i didnt have anyone to spend it with and i have been so caught up in being alone the last few months, but it was great, i went to class, went and bought roses for my posse, hung out with my friends, my big sis bought me a cake(god knows i love cake), jess and kendra got me a a pin that says i heart vagina, oh my friends are cool. It was just a good day. It ended kinda interesting i broke a bed(hmm dont know how i did that). But yea I really love waking up and feeling good, I like this feeling thats been overwhelming me lately, im happy, and it feels so amazing, just gotta keep at it. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 13th, 2006|10:27 pm] |
Do ever get that feeling that things are finally looking up for you, im not counting my chickens before they hatch but the days seem to be getting better for me...and i know thats a good thing since nothing all that special has happened...Im hoping this keeps going...Oh and i love being a SigEP...
I hope everyone has a great Valentines day, even those how dont have someone, find something that makes u happy, or somewhere and do that tomorrow, make a negative thing a positive make Valentines day worth wild for even the lonely folk... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 8th, 2006|11:14 pm] |
|
You know after talking with friends, you notice how very it easy to complain about what you have. We can always find the negatives its so easy, Everyone has things they dont like, things they want to change or what they really wish for, my wish was always to fall in love find hapiness that way, and it will happen just as everything else in life will happen, all in its own timing, then once that comes ill find another thing to complain about, im excited to find out what i have in the future to complain about, it makes me happy knowing i can actually think about the future...it has been awhile |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 8th, 2006|06:13 pm] |
the story of my life over the last few years its just a big coaster but i tend to head downhill more then i do up and so its hard not to stop, cant stop till i hit bottom, so
down
-down
--down
---down
----down-----up
-----down---up-down--------------------
------down-up---down-----------------up
------------------down--------------up--down
-------------------down------------up----down
--------------------down0---------up------down
---------------------down--------up--------down
----------------------down------up----------down
-----------------------down----up------------down
------------------------down--up--------------down
-------------------------down------------------down
------------------------------------------------down
-------------------------------------------------down
--------------------------------------------------down--------up
---------------------------------------------------down------up--down
----------------------------------------------------down----up----down
-----------------------------------------------------down--up------down
------------------------------------------------------down----------down
---------------------------------------------------------------------down
----------------------------------------------------------------------down
-----------------------------------------------------------------------down
------------------------------------------------------------------------down
-------------------------------------------------------------------------down
--------------------------------------------------------------------------down
---------------------------------------------------------------------------down
When you think your climbing one more thing makes you fall and before you know it you cant climb back up, your so far away from who you once were, where you once were, the answers there gone, the seach its over, the dark, the cave your in it overwhelms you, its easy to get caught into the dark, to be angry, to hate everything around you, but whats that get you, exactly where i am, alone and lost, but i continue to put myself there and im only one that can do anything about this
Well i decided today that i give up on the fucken cave, im not positng in this journal anymore cuz it does nothing for me i only say negative things and i only fell negative things, i find things that make me angry. I wanted to believe it was a reason to get my feelings out, but i express them enough myself. Anything and everything i can find to complain about I do, and im so sick of being negative that i wanted to die, that scares the fuck out of me to think i could even think about that, that i was thinking very stupid things, not worth it, im still in the dark right now but im try to make a climb a climb to the top get out of this cave, see the light outside, and embrace it, it wont be easy but nothing can be worse then feeling stuck with no where to go but down, im sure ill fall, ill fail but im gonna make the best of that when that time come, i see the light very dimly right noe, a speck, but i stay focused thats all ill see and ill stay focused and before i know it the world around me will no longer be dark but full of light, if i ever write a negative thing in here again you have the right ot beat the shit out of me, do whatever it takes to get it into my head
im asking anyone and everyone that knows me to keep your eye on me, watch me, dont let me get down, if you see me slipping point it out to me, help me, cuz i dont wanna be stuck... i wanna be where i know i can be, it will be one hell of stuggle but at least a struggle is better then falling... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 7th, 2006|02:02 am] |
|
So i been wondering am I a good person? ive done alot stupid things in my life, ive made alot mistakes, i use to think i was a good person, but what is a good person? like now, this past summer i started smoking cigs ,i got a second MIP. these are things i use to look down upon. I never liked ppl who smoked, i had nothing agaist them but still i never thought i would be doing it i mean i dont do it anymore but still, im lucky i didnt get addicted I mean what does that say about me. One thing i thought that made me a good person was that i care for others, but yet i dunno that doesnt mean anything does it, Ive always tried to care for ppl, even the people ive been hurt by i care about, i mean i dunno i just feel like everything thats happend and the way i feel its like a punishment or something, maybe i need to start going back to church, maybe i need to have more faith in God, i just dont know anymore, ive been hurting for so long that im unsure whats even caused it, ive been in the dark for so long, im forgetting what light looks like. I pray to God everynight asking for strength to make tomorrow a better day then the last and i guess if i look at the whole spectrum of things its definately getting better i dont hurt like i use too, i mean i still feel down alot but i get over it, but i really do wonder, and i wouldnt mind if ppl actually told me, do they think im a good guy? or what is something i could change, i need to work on bettering myself so please give me ideas, tell me what you hate about me, tell me what you like, really i want to know, its not like i care i prefer truth over anything, i need to revamp, i need a change, the old Gabe needs to go away, well at least the depressed old Gabe anyways... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 1st, 2006|06:32 pm] |
|
So many thoughts running through my head right now, i want to belong i wanna feel like im a part of something worth wild. But what is that and where is that. Im thinking about droping the fraternity, im thinking about droping school, im failing, im falling apart right now and its my fault and i know this, but its like i dont care, i use to say i didnt care and would actually be lying to myself cyz i knew in my heart i cared. But ive given up on that feeling, its different now. im thinking about possibly just moving away for while. Ive never been someone that doesnt plan im not all that spontaneous, but i need to search and find out where im suppose to be and who im suppose to be. Everyone tells me that it will come or that i should just be myself, ill figure it out, well shit i dont even know what being myself is anymore. Ive been down for so long now i dont know what its like to be up, im use to being down, thats me, or thats how it feels anyway. At the end up this semester ill have spent 2 years in college, and yet have no idea, what i want to do, i dont even know my major. I just put myself more and more into debt with very little to show for it. I have some amazing memories from this place, nothing can change that but if I dont feel like i belong, and im not happy, what good am i doing me. I get sick of being the nice guy, i get sick of the shit that happens, i get sick of being depressed, the only answer that i have for myself is to let go, forget everything thats happened, the good the bad, the life ive created for myself and maybe start over, somewhere new, why try to change my life here when it is here that has stopped my life from changing. I guess i dont forget easily cuz i have an amazing memory, which sucks cuz then if i cant forget i never move on. I always remember the bad. So if i place myself in a new environment maybe i can weed out the memories, the friends, the people the fraternity, and find a place where im happy...its gotta be about me at some point. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 29th, 2006|01:33 pm] |
+So i came across somesite, i guess its somebodies journal type thing and it had alot things to say that hit pesonally, and they way ive been feeling.
"God is walking with you and he will guide you in every step you take all you have to do is listen."...i struggle with this one but i dont give up faith
"You can always forget the number that you once always called
But never forget the lover that you once always held"
"I know nothing more but I know more about my self than I ever have. I have learned that I really on the idea of love, and I believe that most of us do rely on such o comfort... it is our soft pillow when we have a hard fall, but what if the pillow is just a thought what if the only true pillow we have is ourselves? I know we all have amazing friend, family and social networks that keep us up in spirits. But deep down it is ourselves that will truly pick up the souls."
"My mother always tells a story about how a man who asked a builder to build this dream house. The Man tells the builder that expense is no option. The builder thinking he will cut corners in order to increase his profit. Builds a bad foundation and cuts corners throughout the house. When the project is complete the man says to the builder "Here...This house you built for me I give it to you as a gift." The builder is shocked and can not believe he built a dream house for himself but sacrificed his workmanship for a couple more dollars instead of true happiness and true.
Beauty."
"True Happiness, can be achieved only with ones self. You have to be happy, as an individual, you can not rely on any given person or inanimate object within your life to sanctify a life of happiness, life simply doesn’t work like that. Until you are fully aware of your own personal happiness, your goals, and awareness, you are not only hurting yourself but the other individual in the relationship." |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 27th, 2006|02:57 pm] |
This is very long entry, dont read it if you dont want to but its definately important, becuase im opening my eyes to who i really am...
Everyone has things that happen to them in life, things that suck, bad things, depressing things, things that will go unanswered, and everyone finds their own way to figure out how to get through them. I always wanted to beileve there was only 1 way to make it through. It was to find that someone. That one person, that makes you smile, even when things are bad, that 1 that knows exactly who you are, thats there to hold your hand, be by yourside, ythe one that knows just what to say, the person that you cant live without, because they make you complete. This is something i want. Maybe its not a need but it feels like a need, i need someone like that in my life, im almost certain its the only way to ever be myself again. Yeah sure it shouldnt take someone else for a you to feel that way, but maybe that is what it takes for me. Maybe the the only wayi will ever feel better about myself is to find that someone, because i then will realize there is someone that can love me for me and excepts me as who I am.
I was thinking last night about love, what it is? have i ever been in it? have i ever felt it? and my answer to myself was yes? I know in my heart that i did love my ex girlfriend, i know what it feels like to care so much about someone, to want only the best for them, i know how amazing it feels to have love but the one thing i dont know about love is how to feel it recipricated. I do so much for other people and its great, i love to love, but i dont know how to let someone love me in return. This must have been obvious when i was dating amber, this must be obvious now, i dont have any love for myself. Maybe thats why im alone. Maybe thats why things didnt work out last year, with the ex, with the friendship, maybe thats why she supposedly fell out of love with me. Ill never know but these are possibilities. I will never forget the time that i went ice skating with my ex, and didnt even skate. How rediculous i must have looked sitting there not even trying. How pathetic i must have looked to her. How much of a dissapointment i must have been, she saw the real me then. Im still the same way, i think its only worse now. I never try, im so content with being pathetic, with being a loser, so that i dont get up and try to change it. I see myself one way and that is as a failure, people can tell me otherwise but i still wont see it any differently. To me what i am to this world is another fat guy, i dont see uniquness within me. I dont see what i can offer anyone in this world. I know there has got to be something but i dont see it. Ive thought about changing but ive spent my wholelife being the fat guy. Ive spent my whole life, making jokes about myself, trying to make people laugh, having people make fun of me and laughing right along with them. Ive only hurt myself. Ive only killed myself, yet i still go through each day, with my head down. I cant even see whats out there anymore Im ashamed of who i am. I dont even feel like going on living, so often i think about it, would life be any differt if i just wasnt here. Everyone ive ever known has always seen me as the fat guy, if i cahnge i wouldnt know who i was. i wouldnt know how to exist, the people ive loved in mylife, see me that way, i make the jokes, they make the jokes and everything is ok, cuz i think being funny, being fat, its all that makes me worth being a part of other peoples lives. Its why they like me. Its so very sad what ive let myself become, but is it really worth a turn around. I mean i want badly to fall in love to be happy, and if i found that as the fat i would be happier beacause i would feel like someone was out there, someone who wanted to love me dispite what i look like. If i start losing weight,if i got myself in better shape and then found someone whould i be happy? im think i would hate the world even more, im always gonna think well would u have never talked to me if i looked the way i did before. Im to afraid to take that risk because i dont wanna hate the world, its much easier to hate myself. Why would anyone ever want to ever love someone like me. I know everyone has insecurities but not everyone is 120lb over weight. Its just i wanna be in love so bad, but also at the same time find it very easy to understand, why it would so hard to love someone like me. Im scared, im lonely, im afraid, this is how my life is gonna end up. Lonely and afraid, its just so sad what my life has come to. Why was i the lucky one, why was i the one that would end up this way. And i know some people will just be like hey u let yourself get that way, and they are absolutely right, no one has ever caused this except e. but if i cant love myself this way why should i love myself anotherway, you need to find love for yourself when your at the obttom so that you have strength, and inner strength to make the change and reach the top. Ive lost alot of myself over the last 2 years, and maybe i can find that, maybe that will do it for me.
but on that note so its the weekend and all i can wish for is to spend time with someone i love, to go out have fun with a girl, to cuddle up and watch a movie together, what sucks is this someone doesnt exist. Im not lucky, and it sucks, so many people have that one person, the one gives you the after sex smile, but you can only be so happy for those people, beacuse at some point you get tired of being happy for others and think about yourself and how lonely you are so as this weekend begin, even if im with friends im gonna think about how i dont have someone to cuddle with tonight, someone to talk to, i dont have it and the reason i dont is beacuse i hate myself...
On happy note, me and the posse went to see Bowling For Soup last night, that was alot of fun... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 24th, 2006|07:10 pm] |
I need to stop i need to stop being this way, i need to stop right now i need to fucken stop it, i cant take it anymore, all along ive felt alone, i am alone, i believe im alone so i feel alone, nobody can help me, and i cant stand that i think that way, i find positive in others, but i can never find it in myself, as jess said, i need to find that thing, that one thing thats give me that "after sex smile"(not sex that seems as if it will never happen im on track to being a 40 year old virgin), i wish i could tell you the last time i smiled just to smile, or that someone or something brought a smile to my face, having that feeling that is on the inside where u cant hold it in cuz ur just so happy, that it comes out an amazing smile, oh how i wish i had that, i hate my smile, why would i wanna smile, im missing out on so much thats out there, so much that the world offers me, i guess im just not happy with who i am, i just feel lost, it doesnt get better either, i make myself think its better and im not even close...i dont have a sense of belonging, im not strong willed, i give up easy, i dont feel like dealing with this, that just shows how much of a failure i really am....oh well whats another hour, another day, another week, another month, another year of feeling like this...ive made it through so far,
you know so many people have told before that im a good guy, i have alot of heart, and you dont find that in alot people(supposedly). Well fuck having heart, having a heart gets u hurt, if that is who i am, then fuck it, i dont wanna change, i use to like that about me, but u can only take so much a feeling a certain way, i wanna know when its gonna be my turn to be happy, everyone around has something that brings that "after sex smile" to them. Its only that selfish feeling, whens it my turn, how much more can i really take of this..... |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
sexualvanilla's journal